3 words I’m still struggling to say

“I need help”.

As my baby bump keeps growing more and more every day and as I’m feeling out of breath almost all the time, it’s getting a bit of a challenge for me to take care of Ellie, do the chores and go grocery shopping on my own.

I do my best not to ask for help from Davidson because whenever I do I never feel good about it.

It makes me feel weak as if I can’t do stuff on my own. And although I know it’s completely irrational, that’s how I feel.

I just can’t help it.

I grew up with parents never asking for help

I thought they were annoying not asking for help when they clearly needed it.

Then of course, when they were done, they would complain because you didn’t help.

But if you’d offer your help they would either complain that “you’re doing it wrong!” and dismiss you or they would just say “no I don’t need you” or “no I’m fine, I can do it on my own”.

So growing up in this environment, I inherently ended up having the same behavior.

I’ve always been proactive.

Doing things on my own, finding solutions to any problems, taking action, … You name it.

It’s not a bad thing, isn’t it?

The problem comes when I just have too much on my plate and instead of asking for help, I’ll just suck it up and do everything on my own.

And when the pressure is just too much…

I’ll either cry or scream at someone.

And whenever I do, I can tell I’m just being irrational.

It’s like there’s another “me” taking control of my body.

This is nobody’s fault though.

Not even my parents’.

It’s mine and mine only.

Being aware of this has helped me not to feel ashamed to ask for help sometimes.

It still feels wrong though and I’m always afraid to bother the person.

My hope for the future.

Now that we’re about to have a second kid in our family, I hope I’ll be able to ask for help whenever I need to.

I don’t think that feeling of weakness will ever fade away because it’s been imprinted in my mind for far too long.

All I want is to be able to be the best mom to my kids and the best wife to Davidson without beating myself up whenever I make mistakes or in this case, ask for help.